From My Abuse Heart

broken heart

 

You hit me so many times I felt the pain. It was never suppose to be this way. I remember taking off your boots when you were to drunk to do so and how you would push me away and call me a “stinking pig” I was only your little girl. You never taught me anything about true love or how a man is to love his wife so when I got older I left to get away from the heart the pain. The crying to sleep at night. I ran away into another man’s arms in hope he would treat me better.

Now married I find out that he isn’t any better than my father for he cheats and lies about it. Then he leaves me for another woman while I am caring his child. Hurt I go back home hoping that my family will help me and not treat me as an outcast.  You then say that your sorry and that you changed, I believe you and take you back. I shouldn’t have because then you get us in trouble and I have to spend time away from my son from everyone I love, and I have a black mark following me forever. You cheat again and then you have me do stuff I don’t like to do, things that marry couple shouldn’t do. Vows are broken, promises are broken, my heart is broken. You hit me for the last time I remember being scared the blows to my head, the warm wet feeling of blood coming down my face. I black out for a second and then realize you are still hitting me. I scream for you to stop that you are going to kill me. You finally stop an realize what you have done but instead of getting me help you take me to a hotel. I have two black eyes and a deep cut above me eye. It haunts me every night now still. I decide it is time to leave you but I cant I don’t want to because of the children. But you make that easy you leave us abandon in a hotel room. You then try to kill yourself for some reason mostly because of the children I hope you don’t die. But deep down I do I hate you because you have killed all my hope of love crushed my dreams of happiness.

I put up a wall and chains around my heart to lock others out. I am afraid to let someone else in to crush my heart again. There is a new man in my life now that the old is gone but I am afraid, but this man is only a friend nothing else. He doesn’t love me but he does show me that I should try and let someone in and that I should learn to love again.

So I decide to give it a chance again and I find a guy that I like but instead I find myself still not trusting him I know he said he wont hit me. But every man I have truly loved and cared for has hurt me. He hasn’t yet but our relationship is only starting and I want to be with someone for the rest of my life not just for now. Someone I can enjoy playing with grandchildren with. Yes, we have a lot in common. But we also have a lot that interferes with our lives. The fact that I have five kids one of which is an adult already and they don’t always mind him or me. This cause angry and frustration between us and it makes it harder because then I get afraid of being hurt that my children are to much for him to handle since he is only use to handling one occasionally.

I hope that my broken heart can be mended and that these walls can come down and the chains can be removed. For I hope my dreams can be fulfilled since I have been broken and so fragile.

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