Wedding Nightmares

I  am having nightmares of not find the right wedding dress that I want. We are doing a firefighter theme since my fiancé is a firefighter. I have picked out colors and everything else but I have not decided on what type of dress I want to wear. I know that I need to wear one with an A-line to fit my body figure. And since I am a single mom finishing my associates degree money is an issue. So my nightmares have begun since I would love to marry my fiancé but my first marriage didn’t work and neither did his so we have not set a date till we had everything for the wedding mainly my wedding dress. Hence the nightmares of never settling on the right one fear of subconscious not wanting to really get married fear of getting hurt again. So trying to decide makes me frustrated to were I give up my online searches for another day. 

Sorry I had no idea where that came from but just needed to get it off my chest and mind I think.  

From My Abuse Heart

broken heart


You hit me so many times I felt the pain. It was never suppose to be this way. I remember taking off your boots when you were to drunk to do so and how you would push me away and call me a “stinking pig” I was only your little girl. You never taught me anything about true love or how a man is to love his wife so when I got older I left to get away from the heart the pain. The crying to sleep at night. I ran away into another man’s arms in hope he would treat me better.

Now married I find out that he isn’t any better than my father for he cheats and lies about it. Then he leaves me for another woman while I am caring his child. Hurt I go back home hoping that my family will help me and not treat me as an outcast.  You then say that your sorry and that you changed, I believe you and take you back. I shouldn’t have because then you get us in trouble and I have to spend time away from my son from everyone I love, and I have a black mark following me forever. You cheat again and then you have me do stuff I don’t like to do, things that marry couple shouldn’t do. Vows are broken, promises are broken, my heart is broken. You hit me for the last time I remember being scared the blows to my head, the warm wet feeling of blood coming down my face. I black out for a second and then realize you are still hitting me. I scream for you to stop that you are going to kill me. You finally stop an realize what you have done but instead of getting me help you take me to a hotel. I have two black eyes and a deep cut above me eye. It haunts me every night now still. I decide it is time to leave you but I cant I don’t want to because of the children. But you make that easy you leave us abandon in a hotel room. You then try to kill yourself for some reason mostly because of the children I hope you don’t die. But deep down I do I hate you because you have killed all my hope of love crushed my dreams of happiness.

I put up a wall and chains around my heart to lock others out. I am afraid to let someone else in to crush my heart again. There is a new man in my life now that the old is gone but I am afraid, but this man is only a friend nothing else. He doesn’t love me but he does show me that I should try and let someone in and that I should learn to love again.

So I decide to give it a chance again and I find a guy that I like but instead I find myself still not trusting him I know he said he wont hit me. But every man I have truly loved and cared for has hurt me. He hasn’t yet but our relationship is only starting and I want to be with someone for the rest of my life not just for now. Someone I can enjoy playing with grandchildren with. Yes, we have a lot in common. But we also have a lot that interferes with our lives. The fact that I have five kids one of which is an adult already and they don’t always mind him or me. This cause angry and frustration between us and it makes it harder because then I get afraid of being hurt that my children are to much for him to handle since he is only use to handling one occasionally.

I hope that my broken heart can be mended and that these walls can come down and the chains can be removed. For I hope my dreams can be fulfilled since I have been broken and so fragile.


At mealtime mainly dinner it is always a nightmare most of the time. Why? Mostly because I have picky eaters as I call them. Usually one out of the five kids will like the meal prepared but there has been nights where none of them have liked it. My oldest now eighteen doesn’t really complain to much about the food prepared and helps prepare most of the meals. It is the thirteen, eleven, nine and eight year olds that complain. Either it is burnt or yuk broccoli or not spinach. I try to hide the rich good vegetables that they need inside of other things they will eat like pasta but they tend to find it an pick it out. They have found out that one of our dogs like broccoli only because they have feed the dogs. So it goes to say that our pets never go hungry as they get feed table scraps of whatever the kids don’t like. And most of the time there is trades going on where one child doesn’t like something but another does and will trade or give food away. I usually can tell a few hours later who hasn’t ate because they come asking for something to eat and I will say “did you eat all your food” and then that facial expression will kick in right before telling a lie of yes. And I always ask again to see whether or not they are going to stick to their story or not and usually the second time they say no in a shameful look and I tell them I’m sorry but you should have ate all your food, I worked hard cooking it for you and making sure it was nutritious for you and you choice not to. Sometimes I will get well it was gross or I don’t like it. Then I ask how would you know if you didn’t try it or how would you fix it better. So mealtime is always  a surprise as to the children’s reaction tonight I tried a new recipe they liked the chicken mostly but hated the sudden salad pasta.  

What is on my mind???

I am trying to write my novel, I have at least eight chapters to me done however it just seems to be missing something still and I really can’t put my finger on it write now. I am hoping that as I post chapters on my blog page Secret Love hoping people would read it and comment on it. As I would love to hear from others more experience and people who like to read. Other than that what is on my mind is that I have a new liter of baby kittens that my outside cat end up having before I was able to get her into the vet to get fix. She isn’t even a year old and had six baby kittens that now she doesn’t want to be with she keeps wanting to leave them to go back outside. The kids constantly want to mess with them especially my daughters and youngest son. So I know that I am going to be stuck with bottle feeding them soon mostly likely. Why kids don’t listen is beyond me. The other thing that is on my mind is that it isn’t even the middle of July and it is hot and I can’t stand it. I would love it to stay around 70 degrees with a cool breeze all the time like Fall or Spring. Which it seems we never have anymore. Annoying players on the online game that someone is playing. Why do teenagers act like they can be the boss of people they aren’t even suppose to be. I dislike know it all children, and that I know have a migraine headache starting that is going to irritate me because of the pain and the sensitive to noise and light. As if I can ever get a peace and quiet moment in my house. Oh wait there it is for 5 seconds than Mom he isn’t sharing or he isn’t listening, she took my toy. Ugh to sleep the time away would be to great at some point.

Chapter Three

“God has a plan Crystal, you just have to wait and see what he will do,” said Reverend Snow. Crystal gathered her jacket and walked out of his office. She had just visited with an old pastoral friend of hers and was asking what to do about the things in her life. What was she going to do she thought both were her friends and she loved them dear, just as much as she loved her two beautiful children and God. Crystal had always been impatient when it came to waiting on God in the past. She had learned that if she waited she got better results than going out on her own. She thought back to why she had moved from Indiana to Charlotte, NC. It was to get away from Logan as far as she could. And now here she was with knowing that Jonathan and his family was somehow tied in with Logan. Did Jonathan know Logan was her ex-husband? She was scared for them and needed to talk to him and his mother Sophia. She had to tell them about what she heard in the FBI office and she had to tell Jonathan she was not married.

She thought back to the time they had slept together how passion he was so much more passionate than Logan ever was to her. How he had kissed her that night and made her feel so much alive. She had to snap out of it and get her thoughts together. As she drove she called Derek to have him have meet her but what if she was now being followed by Agent Lee’s men?

. Koda was listening to his music and Bella was watching cartoons as she stepped outside to talk to Derek he had drove up from Columbia, SC and now, she was in his car talking about what she should do and what had happen. He noticed the bruises to her arm and the new scar above her eye. “So, are you okay seriously? What have you told the kids about the bruises and the cut?” He asked very concerned. Crystal thought about the night she had even slept with Jonathan’s brother Derek. Of course now she regret it. She had fallen in love with Jonathan “Yeah, I am okay, it looks worse than it is. I told them that I slipped on some ice and cut my head on some wood. Koda, maybe the only one that knows the truth. I think he was still awake when I was talking to your mom.” She said hoping that he would soon stop talking about it. “So what are you going to do now, does he know where you are?” He said looking through some Cd’s. “I don’t know I have an old friend who is now in the FBI and is going to set me up in a place and help me get a job. Other than that I am just going to start over. Besides he is here for business not me. He doesn’t know I am here. I am not worried about Logan finding me here as much as up north, since he doesn’t know I know about any of you.” She stated as she glanced at the time on her cell phone. “Well you won’t have to worry about him either. You got family watching your back now just trust God.” He said smiling at her. As she chuckled some and smiled back, “that is what I am doing now. Trusting God.” “Well you do know why Jonathan didn’t want to come and why I had to meet you here instead. He doesn’t want any rumors going around or trouble started. But it is good to see you and mom can’t wait to see you and the kids soon.” Crystal laughs, and then responds, “Well, I didn’t come down here to start trouble or to get into any drama with his life. But if he doesn’t want to come see his friend then so be it. I still love him as my best friend and that will never change.”

Crystal thought about that and how so much had changed. In the last six months that she had been able to talk to her best friend and now she was only an hour drive away from him; yet so much had changed. Sophia had invited Crystal out to her place and just to make sure she wasn’t being followed by anyone she had them picked up in a private car of hers at a restaurant. “Mommy, why are we going out the side door and not into our vehicle” Bella a confused five year old said. Koda quickly realized what was happening and said, “to play a game of music cars and to go somewhere secret that no one must know but us.” “Thanks, Koda” she said to him smiling as they got in the car and she looked at the black car parked in the fourth lot from hers. It had pulled up at the same time shortly after her and the two men did not get out. She called Lee “Do you have men following me if so you need to call them off they will create attention and Logan will then find me. I told you I will be fine just have to find some way to make some cash.” “I will call them off my boss thought you needed the protection it is procedures. I do have a job for you at a hospital working day shift Monday, Wednesday, and Friday part time hours is all I can get you right now.” “That will work I have to go now Bella spill something on her clothes.” She didn’t want to just end the conversation he may have suspected something then. It was good that the little girl was lying on her shoulder fast asleep.

The car came to a stop with what had seemed an hour. The young gentleman opened the door and the three passengers got out of the car. When Crystal stepped out of the car she then saw him on top of the horse. He was so sexy and looked like a knight missing his shining armor. His face lit up and smile at her. He asked Bella if she wanted to go for a ride he could tell she did of course. With a nod of excitement she let him lift her up with Koda’s help and off they went. Koda found a quiet place to sit in the shade and play his game as he listen to his music.

Sophia had sweet ice tea sitting on a table for them. “Derek said you know about my brother sending someone down here.” “Yes, ma’ Logan White is the name,” she said with sternness it was now down to business not just a social call. Crystal could tell that this was some of a bother to her. “I have recently lost my husband and he wanted my brother who was his best friend to take his ashes back to Italy and spread them out over some of their favorite places as a child growing up before moving here. He knows that Jonathan is going to start running my businesses. I do not understand why he would send someone down here to run restaurants.” “Ma’ do you serious think I don’t know or do you not know what your late husband did. And I am sorry for your lost.” Crystal said with sternness and sympathy looking into the woman’s eyes. “Oh, she said well then I must not hesitate we need to know more as to who this Logan is and what are his true intentions. My concern also is yours with this FBI agent of yours what are the two of you?” Crystal knew that this was a test of character and truth Logan used to do it with new recruits to see who was loyal and who wasn’t. “Agent Lee has been my friend for fifteen years almost and is trying to protect me from Logan White my ex-husband. That is where the bruises came from. I accused him of sleeping with another woman and had proof and was going to turn him in when he nearly killed me. It was Jonathan’s call that saved me that night. “

“Well, then we need to get you somewhere more safe then the FBI since my brother has men on the inside that your ex could use. And I need to make a phone call to my brother better yet a visit to my dear brother.” Jonathan had came walking up with Bella and everyone turn to look at the two of them. “Mommy, Jonathan took me for a long ride around the whole house and they have lots of horses and dogs and a pool.” “That is it Jonathan stays here by himself with staff you should stay also tonight at least and in the morning he can go get you a vehicle.” It was said by his mother he didn’t argue, no one dare to.

Jonathan and his fiancé had broken up, she had lost two miscarriages. With his business trips to Chicago and Indianapolis areas, Jonathan and Crystal’s path had cross and they had end up in the same bed together more than once. Her feelings for him were hard to push down deep inside and not show.

For so long Logan had kept her from going to church, from her family, and from making new friends. Here she was getting a new started and thanks to Jonathan’s encouraging and his mother’s help she had found her way back to God and was trusting him again.

But she still had sin in her life she was not perfect and she wanted to fix that but she hated being alone. She missed the pleasures that a man gave her when she was with Logan. Even though he may not have always been the man to give them to her since he had her sleeping with other men for money at times. That was how she had met Jonathan in the beginning. Her thoughts rushed back to those memories. A low chuckled rolled out of her as Koda open the door to the mini -van. “What are you thinking about?” he said with a puzzled look on his face. Koda was a mature young teenager, he did not act like the other teens his own aged.

Did not cause any trouble either. Crystal was always so thankful and blessed about that. She looked at him and smiled, “nothing really just something personal.” It was how she had pissed Logan off with not doing Jonathan for money. She had spent some time with him one on one and decided that she was leaving Logan and she wanted to spend time with Jonathan her first act of adultery in many years. However at that time she had sled away from God, and was not following his plan. She had been led by her ex-husband down a dark and dangerous path. She had slept with Jonathan and even thought at that time she did not have feelings for him except to be a friend if he ever needed one.

Now, she found herself wondering about scriptures as she read her bible. She was stuck on a verse from Matthew 19:6 “So then they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” She was divorcing Logan on grounds of abusiveness and sexual immorality. She was right with God on her divorce and he had provide the divorce papers for a Christmas blessing to begin a new year with a new beginning. Now, she was confused as to what about her past with all the men that she had slept with she felt that most were not from and of God’s doing, but Jonathan was a different story it seemed.

When life seem to get out of hand it seem that God knew that she need a human friend to help and would bring him into her life. Or was he in her life for her to help them turn around.

Since Lee had married Katie, Crystal had lost in touch with him, she had moved away to go take care of her dying mother. She remembered their long talks under the warm country sky. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life at that time and she was determined to care for patients or become a doctor. Funny that changed staying with Logan he did not want her to be independent or more successful than him. What had changed him to get married and settle down? Did he fall in love with Katie after all these years of them working together and going to school together?

Was she being tested? She had now confirmed her loved to Jonathan not only by tattooing her body in a stupid depress night of drinking with friends. But by admitting it to God that he was the man she loved and was so thankful for having as a friend. Yet, Jonathan did not return any feeling for her except to be a friend. She pulled into the daycare center in robotic motion still numbed from the phone call that she had received that morning. Lee had called and had told her that they had spotted Logan.

As the kids loaded up in the minivan Bella asked, “Mommy, are you okay?” The small child was trying to be able to read her mother’s blank expression on her face. Realizing what her daughter was doing she snapped back into reality and stated that she was fine. Crystal feeling exhausted from the busy day and overwhelming one that it turned out to be, she pulled the covers up as she sat on the couch in her favorite spot. With her cup of hot coffee and her textbook and laptop she begin to do some Psychology homework. She had a test to take the next day and want to study some. The younger child had finish her homework at the daycare and she had checked it off. The quick lasagna dinner was cooking in the oven she had at least an hour to study some. She prayed quietly to herself, “Lord, let there be no interruptions so that I may study for this test.” Apparently, as she open her book that was not his plan for she heard a knock on the door. “Jonathan, Derek what a surprise!” She then noticed that Jonathan had crutches and a cast on his right foot. “What on earth did you do?” She quickly gasped in shocked knowing that he would come back with something ridiculously dumb that he did while he had been out drinking. She held the door open for him to get in and the rest of her friends and his family. Samantha was Derek’s girlfriend, who was pregnant with his baby. Samantha and Crystal had became friends after they had met. “Feel off the top of my truck.” Jonathan said as he moved to her spot that she was just occupying moments before they had showed up. “What, seriously what were you doing on your truck.” She knew soon she would have to drop the conversation she would not get too much out of him. “Don’t remember, I think I was trying to shoot a deer with no gun.” Everyone laughed, Derek who was sitting on a chair by the fireplace turned and looked at Crystal and then she felt it she was about to get an interruption by God. “Crystal, he can’t stay alone he needs someone to help him get around and Samantha and I are going to be gone next week. I would ask mom but she is out of town. He doesn’t have anywhere else to really go. Can you help us out?” She looked at Jonathan’s leg in a cast, and then to his brother her respond was “what? You want me to babysit more less this adult man who….all never mind,” she was hearing the voice that said “HEAL HIM”, “hope you brought him some clothes.” With a smile Derek shook his head yes and left out of the house to get his brother’s bag.

Crystal left the room to grab the lasagna out of the oven to let it cool for the children. Derek had entered back into the house with an oversize duffel bag that he dropped near the stairs off to the side. “Well, I hate to run, but we have to go call if you need to, Crystal and thanks so much.” “Sure” she said as she walked with them to the front door. She then hollered up the stairs for the children. As they came running down she looked at each one of them and pointed up the stairs. Each one turned and walked back up the stairs and then walked back down the stairs. Koda was the only one who had not ran off course at the age of almost fifteen he knew better. “What’s Jonathan doing here,” ask Bella. “He is mommy’s new unpaid patient sent by God. Who is going to say the blessing?” As everyone bowed their heads he said “God is good, God is great let us thank him for this food now let’s eat, Amen” Crystal chuckled and shook her head from side to side. She walked into the living room and looked at her guest and said with a stern voice. “You seem to be capable of using those crutches very well so move on into the dining room.” He looked at her with a puzzled but crooked grin and said “Okay this is going to be interesting.”

After dinner Koda helped his mother load the dish washer and then went upstairs to take his shower. Crystal turned and look at Jonathan “You want to go upstairs now or later?” He shrugged his shoulders. She turned and walked away, as she headed for the stairs she grabbed his bag and lifted it up so she could carry it up the stairs to her room. She would have to figure out where God wanted Jonathan to sleep. “Lord, now what?” She said softly under her breath.

Her apartment was not designed the best since all bedrooms were upstairs and so was the only bathroom. Jonathan knew e would have to sleep upstairs, but where? Bella said, “I am not sharing my room with anyone I only have a toddler bed ha.” Koda had his door locked and music blaring with the sign on the door that said “DO NOT ENTER” on the white it was writing in permanent marker enter or be shot. Jonathan laughs slightly as he remembers his own room and similar sign as a teenage express his own privacy. “Well, I guess I am sleeping with the unpaid nurse.” He says with a slight grin and smile. “No you get my bed and I am sleeping on the pull out sofa.” She grabbed her pillow and an extra blanket from her closet and went down stairs after turning on the baby monitor. “What’s that for?” he said with a puzzled expression. “Duh, in case you or Bella has nightmares and need me to come rescue you.” as she cocked him a slight grin and laugh. “Ha Ha” he said as he tried to pull the covers back. She reached around him and pulled them down for him to climb in. She then went downstairs to her couch and pulled out the sofa bed and fixed it. She knew this was going to be a long and uncomfortable week.